If I could fix everything I would........ But I can't....... The guy I like is dating someone he only recently met. The other guy I like doesn't like me anymore. I am in a lose lose situation. I can't do anything right. I have no one to talk to besides the stars, no one to listen to besides the shadows, and no is there to listen or talk to me. I am no one. My only friends are either in a different state, or basically pretending I am not here.
I listen to sad songs on Youtube, I read romances and cry because I know that might never EVER be me. I watch sad movies, I read quotes about missing friends and loved ones, I sing songs that shouldn't mean something real to me. I nearly cry every time I see my... friend.... I told him I made a new best friend and he got all on the defensive. I didn't mean to offend him, but now he thinks we aren't friends anymore, and I have no one. because my new best friend is moving to Belgium soon. I have no one, I am lost in a dark tunnel with no beginning and no end. It just goes on and on. Leading me into bigger problems. I thought that God said he would only put us through challenges we could handle.... I can't handle this. I try to hold back tears every time I see him, which is very often. I have no hope of recovering, and never getting healed from this illness that I suffer from. A broken heart is the only thing broken. Two rejections in 2 hours. how unfair. I never thought I would say this. but I HATE LOVE! It is a horrible thing, something that can literally kill you, something that just doesn't work, unless the other person loves you back. but I don't think any one will love me... not that way at least.
I have no one to talk to, everyone is gone, everyone is distracted, no one is there and all I can do is type on my blog.... how pathetic....... I have no friends and two crushes that are crushing me. so lonely in this dark tunnel, so lost, so alone, so bundled up and I keep things to myself, I don't and can't do anything about it.........
He is taken, gone, who knows how long this will last... my whole life? Possibly. but, I know that I will not have to worry about burdening e\anyone elses shoudlers.
Now I must depart from here, to retreat to the darkness of my bed chambers and shed every tear I have, for impossible loves, lost friends and a heart split in three...................................... goodnight :(
Monday, May 14, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
What now?
Short and sweet.............. My Best Friend made a new friend and I am jealous of her.......... she is all he talks about...........
......................................................Am I here or not?.................................................
......................................................Am I here or not?.................................................
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Losing a Friend?
My Best friend is trying out for the X-Factor! A song show similar to American Idol. He is an AMAZING singer! So i think he will go on to many future rounds! if he doesn't, there must be something wrong with the judges!
I just thought about how if he were to get so far into this competition that he will be consumed by fame and money and such. I don't want that for him. No. I just thought about if he were to go so far into this thing that when he came back for a reunion in the future that he wouldn't barely remember me. That when he got here there would be hundreds of thousands of girls surrounding because he is like that... he attracts with his voice and with his looks. Now just imagine him on T.V. He will become beyond amazing and everyone will love him! And I will drift away.
I just have the plan where if he does get so far into this and forgets about me... I will/ am going to find a song that is basically saying goodbye dear friend or something along the lines of that! And i will sing it to him... and once I have finished, I will turn away and never look back! I will have to find a new Best Friend!
Which is basically impossible because, they are super hard to come by! I was lucky enough to find him! The one guy that I like, and he is going and doing this.... this thing where... yes he can share his amazing talent and such, but also I won't see him for months on end, and I will become lonely and do nothing! This amazing person.... who I say i don't deserve, someone who is totally perfect (or at least it seems) in every way! My heart wants him, my mind says otherwise... I am in a mental battle with myself!
I'll get through it and find someone else.... I don't know if he will be better, I just hope. Because.. I know he likes someone else.... someone better than me probably! Someone who understands him... Better than i already do! Someone who knows his favorite food, music, show, musical... so on! Someone to share inside jokes with! Someone to give hugs to....... I keep rambling on about all these things......
I refuse to believe that he will forget about me! But... I have seen it happen before, they come back from something like this and... they just don't care because they are to focused on their fans............ I can't bare the thought of him not being my friend. My best friend. My Very most absolutely amazingest awesomest sweetest kindest coolest most superb best friend in the whole entire world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I suppose I should deal with it though............................. :(
I just thought about how if he were to get so far into this competition that he will be consumed by fame and money and such. I don't want that for him. No. I just thought about if he were to go so far into this thing that when he came back for a reunion in the future that he wouldn't barely remember me. That when he got here there would be hundreds of thousands of girls surrounding because he is like that... he attracts with his voice and with his looks. Now just imagine him on T.V. He will become beyond amazing and everyone will love him! And I will drift away.
I just have the plan where if he does get so far into this and forgets about me... I will/ am going to find a song that is basically saying goodbye dear friend or something along the lines of that! And i will sing it to him... and once I have finished, I will turn away and never look back! I will have to find a new Best Friend!
Which is basically impossible because, they are super hard to come by! I was lucky enough to find him! The one guy that I like, and he is going and doing this.... this thing where... yes he can share his amazing talent and such, but also I won't see him for months on end, and I will become lonely and do nothing! This amazing person.... who I say i don't deserve, someone who is totally perfect (or at least it seems) in every way! My heart wants him, my mind says otherwise... I am in a mental battle with myself!
I'll get through it and find someone else.... I don't know if he will be better, I just hope. Because.. I know he likes someone else.... someone better than me probably! Someone who understands him... Better than i already do! Someone who knows his favorite food, music, show, musical... so on! Someone to share inside jokes with! Someone to give hugs to....... I keep rambling on about all these things......
I refuse to believe that he will forget about me! But... I have seen it happen before, they come back from something like this and... they just don't care because they are to focused on their fans............ I can't bare the thought of him not being my friend. My best friend. My Very most absolutely amazingest awesomest sweetest kindest coolest most superb best friend in the whole entire world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I suppose I should deal with it though............................. :(
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sadness and Destruction
Is it possible to live a NORMAL life? Never.... I wish I could.... I wish there was no such thing as anger, no such thing as sadness, no such thing as depression... but what is the fun in that? I hate it! I am always sad, alone, depressed, upset... I don't know if it is because I am a teen aged girl, or if it is from previous "experiences", but what ever it is... i wish it would stop! Crying every night... getting mad at my mom for no apparent reason... getting in fights with my brothers.... that's not what I want! I want a simple everything-is-perfect life! but, somehow... it feels as if things are only getting worse!
I sometimes wonder if people who say they are my friends actually are! A boy I thought was my friend asked me to sneak out of my house and have sex with him... I didn't, I am smarter than that! But.. I though he was my friend... a girl I know... I wish I didn't know! She is friends with this group of people that always teases and taunts me! I don't dare anything about it.. because, let's face it, i'm scared of them.. what they could do to me.. I feel like a first grader again.. where everyone picked on the new girl in town... where everyone didn't like me and my only "friends" were the teachers.
I wish I could just retreat to my imagination and daydreams forever.. where everything IS perfect.. where nothing goes wrong, and if anything does I have the power to stop it.. Where I have someone to love me.. where my family isn't constantly fighting or yelling or working... Where I have friends who accept me for ME! Where life is just a bowl full of sunshine! The only thunderclouds that are there are the one that pour rain down and I dance under.. not anything bad to worry about! Where I am royalty.. not the "low lived scum" (as I quote these people) I am here. Where the people that get on my nerves don't exist.. Where all of my friends are my neighbors.... not a few states away... Where There is no disease to kill... Where there is no sadness... Where there is no destruction.. Where life is bliss for everyone!................... But I best soon enough my real world terror will find its way into my dream world and start to erode my dreams, my bliss, my happiness... my sanity!
In the real world, I am surrounded with wars, destruction, crumbling religions, work, troubles, enemies, sadness, death, wounds: mental and physical, loss, failure..... must I go on? i could. (sadly) I feel like the whole world hates me.... probably not true.. the earth is a dead thing made of rock, mantle, and such... but the people on it... yes, hatred emanating from the human race, all going towards me! Because people must think I don't take offense to it... well I do! I just choose not to show it!
Only very recently.. yesterday... My brother got in a fight with his one and only friend.... it was interesting! But that wasn't what made me day have that horrible peak like every other! My friend... he texted ME and said.... "i'm sorry about this..."
I replied, "For what?"
He said.." I don't want to see you again, I thought I knew you.. but I guess I don't! I heard that you are pregnant and that you don't know who the father is because you have slept with plenty of other guys!"
I didn't cry because I couldn't.. I wasted those in the darkness of the night..
I just said, "Believe what you think, but I have not... and if this is what a friend would say.. then I don't want to be your friend anymore either."
I didn't tell anyone about this, there was no need... I just felt alone in the world.. again, but I was reminded by my aunt Ptephanie that I am loved! We had the best time making cookies yesterday! They didn't last long at all! So I made some more today! But we made 60 cookies... Way to many I thought! But we had soo much fun with each other.. I will be sad when she goes back to college in a week. I will be all alone again. The only true friend I have is dakota. He is the the most amazing friend i have had in a LONG time! I wish there were more people like him.. but I know that is impossible because the individual soul is the most unique gift that God has given us, and I am just thankful for that one soul... Mine is torn, tattered and lost.
My heart... the has a few stitches here and there, a band-aid, some cuts and bruises, but that's normal... right? I don't know anymore...... Sometimes....... I just wish I could start over..... From the beginning! Where I don't know anyone besides my family... not like moving, because then you have that missing hole in your heart where your previous friends used to stay.... I still have that hole... slightly filled, but only with one person. so if he leaves, then I will have an even bigger hole.
It can get really confusing moving around... because of death, sadness and destrustion.... but it happens! I have moved countless times! Ask me, I will sit there for about an hour trying to remember all the times! sad, I know! But... You get used to it after a while...
I know that one friend is better than none, but I was used to having 5 or more.. that is what i left behind in Utah... My friends... I cried for days-on-end! James, Lukas, Katherine, Kelley, Konnor, Jordan, Seth, Samantha, Sierra, Emily, Savannah, Jeffrey, Cassidy, Cydnee, Parker, Shelby, Tiffi, and Eva...... 18 friends.... I wish I could say I have atleast three great friends like them here! but I don't....... I only have one! and he makes up about 5 of them.....
Being lonely isn't new for me, but it feels like it is because of what I left behind!
But here I am..... Sad and depressed......... Nothing new........ only because of my past and what I don't have....................................................
I sometimes wonder if people who say they are my friends actually are! A boy I thought was my friend asked me to sneak out of my house and have sex with him... I didn't, I am smarter than that! But.. I though he was my friend... a girl I know... I wish I didn't know! She is friends with this group of people that always teases and taunts me! I don't dare anything about it.. because, let's face it, i'm scared of them.. what they could do to me.. I feel like a first grader again.. where everyone picked on the new girl in town... where everyone didn't like me and my only "friends" were the teachers.
I wish I could just retreat to my imagination and daydreams forever.. where everything IS perfect.. where nothing goes wrong, and if anything does I have the power to stop it.. Where I have someone to love me.. where my family isn't constantly fighting or yelling or working... Where I have friends who accept me for ME! Where life is just a bowl full of sunshine! The only thunderclouds that are there are the one that pour rain down and I dance under.. not anything bad to worry about! Where I am royalty.. not the "low lived scum" (as I quote these people) I am here. Where the people that get on my nerves don't exist.. Where all of my friends are my neighbors.... not a few states away... Where There is no disease to kill... Where there is no sadness... Where there is no destruction.. Where life is bliss for everyone!................... But I best soon enough my real world terror will find its way into my dream world and start to erode my dreams, my bliss, my happiness... my sanity!
In the real world, I am surrounded with wars, destruction, crumbling religions, work, troubles, enemies, sadness, death, wounds: mental and physical, loss, failure..... must I go on? i could. (sadly) I feel like the whole world hates me.... probably not true.. the earth is a dead thing made of rock, mantle, and such... but the people on it... yes, hatred emanating from the human race, all going towards me! Because people must think I don't take offense to it... well I do! I just choose not to show it!
Only very recently.. yesterday... My brother got in a fight with his one and only friend.... it was interesting! But that wasn't what made me day have that horrible peak like every other! My friend... he texted ME and said.... "i'm sorry about this..."
I replied, "For what?"
He said.." I don't want to see you again, I thought I knew you.. but I guess I don't! I heard that you are pregnant and that you don't know who the father is because you have slept with plenty of other guys!"
I didn't cry because I couldn't.. I wasted those in the darkness of the night..
I just said, "Believe what you think, but I have not... and if this is what a friend would say.. then I don't want to be your friend anymore either."
I didn't tell anyone about this, there was no need... I just felt alone in the world.. again, but I was reminded by my aunt Ptephanie that I am loved! We had the best time making cookies yesterday! They didn't last long at all! So I made some more today! But we made 60 cookies... Way to many I thought! But we had soo much fun with each other.. I will be sad when she goes back to college in a week. I will be all alone again. The only true friend I have is dakota. He is the the most amazing friend i have had in a LONG time! I wish there were more people like him.. but I know that is impossible because the individual soul is the most unique gift that God has given us, and I am just thankful for that one soul... Mine is torn, tattered and lost.
My heart... the has a few stitches here and there, a band-aid, some cuts and bruises, but that's normal... right? I don't know anymore...... Sometimes....... I just wish I could start over..... From the beginning! Where I don't know anyone besides my family... not like moving, because then you have that missing hole in your heart where your previous friends used to stay.... I still have that hole... slightly filled, but only with one person. so if he leaves, then I will have an even bigger hole.
It can get really confusing moving around... because of death, sadness and destrustion.... but it happens! I have moved countless times! Ask me, I will sit there for about an hour trying to remember all the times! sad, I know! But... You get used to it after a while...
I know that one friend is better than none, but I was used to having 5 or more.. that is what i left behind in Utah... My friends... I cried for days-on-end! James, Lukas, Katherine, Kelley, Konnor, Jordan, Seth, Samantha, Sierra, Emily, Savannah, Jeffrey, Cassidy, Cydnee, Parker, Shelby, Tiffi, and Eva...... 18 friends.... I wish I could say I have atleast three great friends like them here! but I don't....... I only have one! and he makes up about 5 of them.....
Being lonely isn't new for me, but it feels like it is because of what I left behind!
But here I am..... Sad and depressed......... Nothing new........ only because of my past and what I don't have....................................................
Friday, March 30, 2012
I Love You
"My name sounds different when you say it.
Sounds like everything will be okay."
I like someone! Everyone likes someone.... but this someone is special!
"dear you.
Sometimes, I like to think of myself as a raindrop. You know, just one small part of a big crowd, no one special. If you watch the rain pour down outside your window, it only looks like a big blur of water, but if you look at a raindrop up close, it has a lot of colors and it is actually quite beautiful in its simplicity.
Sometimes, I like to watch the rain hit the window of my car. Watch as two raindrops come together and form a bigger raindrop.I think of myself as one of those two raindrops. And I always think of you as the other one.
I would like to walk by your side, Your hand in mine, and stay there forever. Just as those two raindrops never part from one another, once they've crossed paths with each other.
love always,
me."
I just think he is sooo amazing! So sweet in his own way!
"I love everything you hate about yourself."
He understands me and knows what I am going through!
"because I'm still in love with you!" I screamed out, using up all of the oxygen that remained in my lungs.
A smile formed in his eyes as he closed the distance between us with a half step. He reached one hand to the side of my face, and brushed away my hair, taking a tear with it. He pushed his lips to my forehead, and wrapped his arms around me.
And then, just like i always dreamed, he stole a kiss.
And this kiss was more passionate than when Romeo Kissed Juliet and when the Prince kissed Cinderella."
I sometimes I wish that he would just know that I like REALLY like him! But I know that if i do tell him he won't be the same!
"And he makes me happier than I ever thought I could be."
He may never know! But others think he likes me back! I wish, but I am not sure!
"i wonder if you know what color my eyes are."
Does He pay attention to me? I don't know! All I know is that we are friends, and that I am pretty sure he likes someone else and that someone else likes someone else... and i like him!
"They say there's plenty of fish in the sea. But I don't want fish.
I just want you."
I do love you....... There is nothing that can change that! I will always love your brown eyes that sometimes look green, your dark hair that is so soft, your sweet smile that comforts me from three and a half miles away! And most of all...... You!!!!! You will have your amazing personality and your nice looks! But nothing can change you! You are you, and i am me! And sometimes.... I mean most of the time..... I mean always..... wish that you and me could be WE forever!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Why.
I have had a lot of things happen to me! Some good, some bad. Life happens, there is nothing you can do! But when you have that one super special person, you just take a better look for EVERYTHING! No matter how down low it may be. Well..... maybe, for example.
I was texting Dakota.
Me: You will never guess what I am doing right now!
Dakota: What?!
Me: Well you have to guess first
Dakota: Hmmmmmm..... Homework maybe?
Me: No.... I probably should.... but no
Dakota: Idk what?
Me: Dancing in the rain! haha
Dakota: hahahahahaha
I was enjoying dancing in the rain while watching my dog, because she can't be trusted because she runs away! It was absolutely pouring! If you were to stand outside for 5 minutes, you would be drenched!
Me: Oh My god..... I hate screaming! There is this girl screaming...... I don't know what to do!!!!! She is screaming for help!!!
Dakota: Go see what she needs!!!! and gosh......
Me: No.... It's like..... I have heard that kind of scream before dakota.... It's the kind......... Where........ you know, kidnapping! I don't know what to do! scary how different your mood can be with one word
Dakota: Go see
Me: I can't get myself to...... Im so scared
I...I...I... just heard a gunshot.......... What do I do???
Dakota: Idk!? Where is it??
Me: Around my house......
Dakota: Fore real?
Me: I wouldn't lie about this dakota
Dakota: Idk what to do.... Are your parents home?? Get inside
Me: No..... I can't..... My dog got out again, I have to find her first!
Dakota: Hurry and get inside
Me: But what about missy?
Dakota: Find her and then get inside
Me: Okay...
I'm scared dakota
Dakota: Pray and you will have comfort......... I put 95 sunday songs on your ipod
Me: When do you suppose I can have that?
Dakota: Soon.... Tomorrow
Me: Tomorrow? Okay...... I feel sick
Dakota: what kind of sick?
Me: Like...... scared, worried, kinda sick....
Dakota: PRAY..... IN FAITH
Me: I hate crying...........dakota... it's so different here compared to Utah
Dakota: Pray
Me: I found her.... shes fine,
Dakota: Okay..... Go inside and take a hot shower calm down clean, read scriptures, prepare to deal with your family.....
Me: Right..... I should be prepared for these daily routines!
Dakota: That' why you need to get in a better mood
Me: I still feel horrible.... is that a problem? Or is that supposed to be like that? I guess I should know... but I just like forgetting these things, because maybe then I can hope that it will never happen again!
Dakota: Prepare!
Me: Yeah.... I'll sit in the shower and think.... preparation is always handy... Right?
Dakota: Haha yeah
Me: I feel suddenly dizzy
Dakota: Calm down.... Deep breathes and just tell yourself that everything will be okay and believe it and prepare...
Me: I just totally passed out...
Dakota: Ummmmmm....... Drink something eat somehting.... Calm yourself down
I am going to bring your iPod..... Listen to the sunday playlist......
We will be there in a minute
Me: Thanks.
I had a hard day, and even though Dakota wasn't right there, he was helping me along, That is what great friends do! And people you like, well... let's just say you tend to like them more afterwards.
I know that he likes me now, I can guess that he isn't going to tell anyone else because... 1- I am only 15, can't date till I am 16..... 2- If he did, our parents might never let us hang out alone again........ and 3- He knows what is right and what is wrong and I trust him with that.
On tuesday of this same week, he and I went out, as friends, to a showcase, we went to a bookstore called The Brass Plates, it is a mormon book store. and then we went to Dairy Queen and just talked and ate chicken strips and french fries... best dinner ever! Then we were getting lost trying to find the school where the showcase was being held. We eventually go thtere and we were enjoying ourselves in the back making comments about how nice people were and how quiet, or strange they looked and really stupid things like that! Afterwards we were going to go home, but instead we went to the temple. It was so beautiful and I was so happy there, I just kept thinking about how lucky I was to have such an amazing friend like Dakota, He is the most extraordinary friend I have ever had, I always can speak my mind around him and not worry what he thinks.
We walked aruonf the white marble building. We talked about how we were going to have a patio like the walk around the temple. We were truely happy. We had to go, otherwise we could have stayed there forever. I had started crying when he had quickly ran into the church across the street to use the restroom. We climbed back into the car and were driving home.
We talked about everything, this is when I didn't hold back any secrets. I spoke my mind and how I felt. I was crying, he was there for me. I knew no one else would hear besides him. In the peace and quiet all I could hear is our two heartbeats mixing, matching the same pattern and I enjoyed every moment of it.
There are some things I wish I could relive.. that hour in the car with him is one of them, I loved talking to him, I loved him listening, i loved his sweet voice, his smile, his eyes, the warmth of his hands. Everything! Stalkerish I know... but true... Not only is it the outside that I love, it is also the inside... His sweet sincereity towards his family, how he treats me, I love his personality, I love his spirit............
.............. I love him...............
I was texting Dakota.
Me: You will never guess what I am doing right now!
Dakota: What?!
Me: Well you have to guess first
Dakota: Hmmmmmm..... Homework maybe?
Me: No.... I probably should.... but no
Dakota: Idk what?
Me: Dancing in the rain! haha
Dakota: hahahahahaha
I was enjoying dancing in the rain while watching my dog, because she can't be trusted because she runs away! It was absolutely pouring! If you were to stand outside for 5 minutes, you would be drenched!
Me: Oh My god..... I hate screaming! There is this girl screaming...... I don't know what to do!!!!! She is screaming for help!!!
Dakota: Go see what she needs!!!! and gosh......
Me: No.... It's like..... I have heard that kind of scream before dakota.... It's the kind......... Where........ you know, kidnapping! I don't know what to do! scary how different your mood can be with one word
Dakota: Go see
Me: I can't get myself to...... Im so scared
I...I...I... just heard a gunshot.......... What do I do???
Dakota: Idk!? Where is it??
Me: Around my house......
Dakota: Fore real?
Me: I wouldn't lie about this dakota
Dakota: Idk what to do.... Are your parents home?? Get inside
Me: No..... I can't..... My dog got out again, I have to find her first!
Dakota: Hurry and get inside
Me: But what about missy?
Dakota: Find her and then get inside
Me: Okay...
I'm scared dakota
Dakota: Pray and you will have comfort......... I put 95 sunday songs on your ipod
Me: When do you suppose I can have that?
Dakota: Soon.... Tomorrow
Me: Tomorrow? Okay...... I feel sick
Dakota: what kind of sick?
Me: Like...... scared, worried, kinda sick....
Dakota: PRAY..... IN FAITH
Me: I hate crying...........dakota... it's so different here compared to Utah
Dakota: Pray
Me: I found her.... shes fine,
Dakota: Okay..... Go inside and take a hot shower calm down clean, read scriptures, prepare to deal with your family.....
Me: Right..... I should be prepared for these daily routines!
Dakota: That' why you need to get in a better mood
Me: I still feel horrible.... is that a problem? Or is that supposed to be like that? I guess I should know... but I just like forgetting these things, because maybe then I can hope that it will never happen again!
Dakota: Prepare!
Me: Yeah.... I'll sit in the shower and think.... preparation is always handy... Right?
Dakota: Haha yeah
Me: I feel suddenly dizzy
Dakota: Calm down.... Deep breathes and just tell yourself that everything will be okay and believe it and prepare...
Me: I just totally passed out...
Dakota: Ummmmmm....... Drink something eat somehting.... Calm yourself down
I am going to bring your iPod..... Listen to the sunday playlist......
We will be there in a minute
Me: Thanks.
I had a hard day, and even though Dakota wasn't right there, he was helping me along, That is what great friends do! And people you like, well... let's just say you tend to like them more afterwards.
I know that he likes me now, I can guess that he isn't going to tell anyone else because... 1- I am only 15, can't date till I am 16..... 2- If he did, our parents might never let us hang out alone again........ and 3- He knows what is right and what is wrong and I trust him with that.
On tuesday of this same week, he and I went out, as friends, to a showcase, we went to a bookstore called The Brass Plates, it is a mormon book store. and then we went to Dairy Queen and just talked and ate chicken strips and french fries... best dinner ever! Then we were getting lost trying to find the school where the showcase was being held. We eventually go thtere and we were enjoying ourselves in the back making comments about how nice people were and how quiet, or strange they looked and really stupid things like that! Afterwards we were going to go home, but instead we went to the temple. It was so beautiful and I was so happy there, I just kept thinking about how lucky I was to have such an amazing friend like Dakota, He is the most extraordinary friend I have ever had, I always can speak my mind around him and not worry what he thinks.
We walked aruonf the white marble building. We talked about how we were going to have a patio like the walk around the temple. We were truely happy. We had to go, otherwise we could have stayed there forever. I had started crying when he had quickly ran into the church across the street to use the restroom. We climbed back into the car and were driving home.
We talked about everything, this is when I didn't hold back any secrets. I spoke my mind and how I felt. I was crying, he was there for me. I knew no one else would hear besides him. In the peace and quiet all I could hear is our two heartbeats mixing, matching the same pattern and I enjoyed every moment of it.
There are some things I wish I could relive.. that hour in the car with him is one of them, I loved talking to him, I loved him listening, i loved his sweet voice, his smile, his eyes, the warmth of his hands. Everything! Stalkerish I know... but true... Not only is it the outside that I love, it is also the inside... His sweet sincereity towards his family, how he treats me, I love his personality, I love his spirit............
.............. I love him...............
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