My Best friend is trying out for the X-Factor! A song show similar to American Idol. He is an AMAZING singer! So i think he will go on to many future rounds! if he doesn't, there must be something wrong with the judges!
I just thought about how if he were to get so far into this competition that he will be consumed by fame and money and such. I don't want that for him. No. I just thought about if he were to go so far into this thing that when he came back for a reunion in the future that he wouldn't barely remember me. That when he got here there would be hundreds of thousands of girls surrounding because he is like that... he attracts with his voice and with his looks. Now just imagine him on T.V. He will become beyond amazing and everyone will love him! And I will drift away.
I just have the plan where if he does get so far into this and forgets about me... I will/ am going to find a song that is basically saying goodbye dear friend or something along the lines of that! And i will sing it to him... and once I have finished, I will turn away and never look back! I will have to find a new Best Friend!
Which is basically impossible because, they are super hard to come by! I was lucky enough to find him! The one guy that I like, and he is going and doing this.... this thing where... yes he can share his amazing talent and such, but also I won't see him for months on end, and I will become lonely and do nothing! This amazing person.... who I say i don't deserve, someone who is totally perfect (or at least it seems) in every way! My heart wants him, my mind says otherwise... I am in a mental battle with myself!
I'll get through it and find someone else.... I don't know if he will be better, I just hope. Because.. I know he likes someone else.... someone better than me probably! Someone who understands him... Better than i already do! Someone who knows his favorite food, music, show, musical... so on! Someone to share inside jokes with! Someone to give hugs to....... I keep rambling on about all these things......
I refuse to believe that he will forget about me! But... I have seen it happen before, they come back from something like this and... they just don't care because they are to focused on their fans............ I can't bare the thought of him not being my friend. My best friend. My Very most absolutely amazingest awesomest sweetest kindest coolest most superb best friend in the whole entire world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I suppose I should deal with it though............................. :(
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sadness and Destruction
Is it possible to live a NORMAL life? Never.... I wish I could.... I wish there was no such thing as anger, no such thing as sadness, no such thing as depression... but what is the fun in that? I hate it! I am always sad, alone, depressed, upset... I don't know if it is because I am a teen aged girl, or if it is from previous "experiences", but what ever it is... i wish it would stop! Crying every night... getting mad at my mom for no apparent reason... getting in fights with my brothers.... that's not what I want! I want a simple everything-is-perfect life! but, somehow... it feels as if things are only getting worse!
I sometimes wonder if people who say they are my friends actually are! A boy I thought was my friend asked me to sneak out of my house and have sex with him... I didn't, I am smarter than that! But.. I though he was my friend... a girl I know... I wish I didn't know! She is friends with this group of people that always teases and taunts me! I don't dare anything about it.. because, let's face it, i'm scared of them.. what they could do to me.. I feel like a first grader again.. where everyone picked on the new girl in town... where everyone didn't like me and my only "friends" were the teachers.
I wish I could just retreat to my imagination and daydreams forever.. where everything IS perfect.. where nothing goes wrong, and if anything does I have the power to stop it.. Where I have someone to love me.. where my family isn't constantly fighting or yelling or working... Where I have friends who accept me for ME! Where life is just a bowl full of sunshine! The only thunderclouds that are there are the one that pour rain down and I dance under.. not anything bad to worry about! Where I am royalty.. not the "low lived scum" (as I quote these people) I am here. Where the people that get on my nerves don't exist.. Where all of my friends are my neighbors.... not a few states away... Where There is no disease to kill... Where there is no sadness... Where there is no destruction.. Where life is bliss for everyone!................... But I best soon enough my real world terror will find its way into my dream world and start to erode my dreams, my bliss, my happiness... my sanity!
In the real world, I am surrounded with wars, destruction, crumbling religions, work, troubles, enemies, sadness, death, wounds: mental and physical, loss, failure..... must I go on? i could. (sadly) I feel like the whole world hates me.... probably not true.. the earth is a dead thing made of rock, mantle, and such... but the people on it... yes, hatred emanating from the human race, all going towards me! Because people must think I don't take offense to it... well I do! I just choose not to show it!
Only very recently.. yesterday... My brother got in a fight with his one and only friend.... it was interesting! But that wasn't what made me day have that horrible peak like every other! My friend... he texted ME and said.... "i'm sorry about this..."
I replied, "For what?"
He said.." I don't want to see you again, I thought I knew you.. but I guess I don't! I heard that you are pregnant and that you don't know who the father is because you have slept with plenty of other guys!"
I didn't cry because I couldn't.. I wasted those in the darkness of the night..
I just said, "Believe what you think, but I have not... and if this is what a friend would say.. then I don't want to be your friend anymore either."
I didn't tell anyone about this, there was no need... I just felt alone in the world.. again, but I was reminded by my aunt Ptephanie that I am loved! We had the best time making cookies yesterday! They didn't last long at all! So I made some more today! But we made 60 cookies... Way to many I thought! But we had soo much fun with each other.. I will be sad when she goes back to college in a week. I will be all alone again. The only true friend I have is dakota. He is the the most amazing friend i have had in a LONG time! I wish there were more people like him.. but I know that is impossible because the individual soul is the most unique gift that God has given us, and I am just thankful for that one soul... Mine is torn, tattered and lost.
My heart... the has a few stitches here and there, a band-aid, some cuts and bruises, but that's normal... right? I don't know anymore...... Sometimes....... I just wish I could start over..... From the beginning! Where I don't know anyone besides my family... not like moving, because then you have that missing hole in your heart where your previous friends used to stay.... I still have that hole... slightly filled, but only with one person. so if he leaves, then I will have an even bigger hole.
It can get really confusing moving around... because of death, sadness and destrustion.... but it happens! I have moved countless times! Ask me, I will sit there for about an hour trying to remember all the times! sad, I know! But... You get used to it after a while...
I know that one friend is better than none, but I was used to having 5 or more.. that is what i left behind in Utah... My friends... I cried for days-on-end! James, Lukas, Katherine, Kelley, Konnor, Jordan, Seth, Samantha, Sierra, Emily, Savannah, Jeffrey, Cassidy, Cydnee, Parker, Shelby, Tiffi, and Eva...... 18 friends.... I wish I could say I have atleast three great friends like them here! but I don't....... I only have one! and he makes up about 5 of them.....
Being lonely isn't new for me, but it feels like it is because of what I left behind!
But here I am..... Sad and depressed......... Nothing new........ only because of my past and what I don't have....................................................
I sometimes wonder if people who say they are my friends actually are! A boy I thought was my friend asked me to sneak out of my house and have sex with him... I didn't, I am smarter than that! But.. I though he was my friend... a girl I know... I wish I didn't know! She is friends with this group of people that always teases and taunts me! I don't dare anything about it.. because, let's face it, i'm scared of them.. what they could do to me.. I feel like a first grader again.. where everyone picked on the new girl in town... where everyone didn't like me and my only "friends" were the teachers.
I wish I could just retreat to my imagination and daydreams forever.. where everything IS perfect.. where nothing goes wrong, and if anything does I have the power to stop it.. Where I have someone to love me.. where my family isn't constantly fighting or yelling or working... Where I have friends who accept me for ME! Where life is just a bowl full of sunshine! The only thunderclouds that are there are the one that pour rain down and I dance under.. not anything bad to worry about! Where I am royalty.. not the "low lived scum" (as I quote these people) I am here. Where the people that get on my nerves don't exist.. Where all of my friends are my neighbors.... not a few states away... Where There is no disease to kill... Where there is no sadness... Where there is no destruction.. Where life is bliss for everyone!................... But I best soon enough my real world terror will find its way into my dream world and start to erode my dreams, my bliss, my happiness... my sanity!
In the real world, I am surrounded with wars, destruction, crumbling religions, work, troubles, enemies, sadness, death, wounds: mental and physical, loss, failure..... must I go on? i could. (sadly) I feel like the whole world hates me.... probably not true.. the earth is a dead thing made of rock, mantle, and such... but the people on it... yes, hatred emanating from the human race, all going towards me! Because people must think I don't take offense to it... well I do! I just choose not to show it!
Only very recently.. yesterday... My brother got in a fight with his one and only friend.... it was interesting! But that wasn't what made me day have that horrible peak like every other! My friend... he texted ME and said.... "i'm sorry about this..."
I replied, "For what?"
He said.." I don't want to see you again, I thought I knew you.. but I guess I don't! I heard that you are pregnant and that you don't know who the father is because you have slept with plenty of other guys!"
I didn't cry because I couldn't.. I wasted those in the darkness of the night..
I just said, "Believe what you think, but I have not... and if this is what a friend would say.. then I don't want to be your friend anymore either."
I didn't tell anyone about this, there was no need... I just felt alone in the world.. again, but I was reminded by my aunt Ptephanie that I am loved! We had the best time making cookies yesterday! They didn't last long at all! So I made some more today! But we made 60 cookies... Way to many I thought! But we had soo much fun with each other.. I will be sad when she goes back to college in a week. I will be all alone again. The only true friend I have is dakota. He is the the most amazing friend i have had in a LONG time! I wish there were more people like him.. but I know that is impossible because the individual soul is the most unique gift that God has given us, and I am just thankful for that one soul... Mine is torn, tattered and lost.
My heart... the has a few stitches here and there, a band-aid, some cuts and bruises, but that's normal... right? I don't know anymore...... Sometimes....... I just wish I could start over..... From the beginning! Where I don't know anyone besides my family... not like moving, because then you have that missing hole in your heart where your previous friends used to stay.... I still have that hole... slightly filled, but only with one person. so if he leaves, then I will have an even bigger hole.
It can get really confusing moving around... because of death, sadness and destrustion.... but it happens! I have moved countless times! Ask me, I will sit there for about an hour trying to remember all the times! sad, I know! But... You get used to it after a while...
I know that one friend is better than none, but I was used to having 5 or more.. that is what i left behind in Utah... My friends... I cried for days-on-end! James, Lukas, Katherine, Kelley, Konnor, Jordan, Seth, Samantha, Sierra, Emily, Savannah, Jeffrey, Cassidy, Cydnee, Parker, Shelby, Tiffi, and Eva...... 18 friends.... I wish I could say I have atleast three great friends like them here! but I don't....... I only have one! and he makes up about 5 of them.....
Being lonely isn't new for me, but it feels like it is because of what I left behind!
But here I am..... Sad and depressed......... Nothing new........ only because of my past and what I don't have....................................................
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